My husband read my blog today and he said something to me that I didn't realize I was doing. He told me I'm a completely different person in this blog than in real life, that I was more transparent and open. The funny thing is I didn't think that I was because I know there is still so much more that I don't write about. There is still that part of me that wonders what people would think if I really wrote what I was thinking and/or going through. Would they still love me?? Accept me??? Like me??
What would they think if they found out that I'm not this happy go lucky person that always has a smile on her face or a positive spin to put on things? That there are days I just want to scream and not participate anymore, just run away. But I don't feel like I have that right to do that. I'm not taking care of a parent/child that can't take care of themselves. I'm not a single mom trying to start my life over with a passel of kids to take care of. I don't even have a passel of kids TO take care of. I don't have to worry about what bills I can pay or where my next meal is coming from. I'm fairly healthy, could lose some weight...okay more than just some I suppose. My problems, and I don't even know that they are problems, seem so petty compared to just about everybody else. What right do I have to complain?
But you see there is one thing I have come to learn and that is that we all struggle one way or another. We all have good days and bad days. But I've also learned that fretting over the bad things doesn't make them any better. It doesn't change anything either. The only thing that does is a change of attitude, a change of perspective. Now don't get me wrong, changing the attitude or perspective is not an easy thing to do. It's a heck of alot easier not to. But you see if we don't then we may find that one day we may not be able to.
That doesn't mean I don't, or won't, still struggle with that smile. And it doesn't mean I still won't have those days I want to scream or to not participate or run away. I'm sure there will still be plenty of those days ahead of me. I'm just going to try to learn how to deal with them better.
It's funny how a blog works.
