Writing your own Hallelujah

This morning in church my husband said something that punched me in the gut, a truth so deep it took my breath away, stripping me of any composure I had.   What he said was:

      "When you are in the midst of God's grace, sometimes you have to write your own Hallelujah"

Seems like an odd statement doesn't it?  And if I wasn't in the place I was at right now, I probably wouldn't have understood it.  It was a revelation for me....an "AHA!" moment and I lost it.  If I hadn't been at the front of the church(I'm on the worship team at church and this was just as we had finished singing the last song..... Hallelujah) I would have been a heap on the floor in the back.  As it was I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.

The meaning of Hallelujah is literally God be praised.  In the struggles of life we often forget to look for that Hallelujah, and there is always one to be found.  If nothing else, it is His Grace alone that deserves one.  For it is by His grace alone that we have been saved.

You see, I've been struggling lately.  I'm normally a very happy person, almost always with a smile on my face.  But lately, the smile doesn't come quite so naturally.  Things that used to bring me joy, now seem to leave me empty.   God has given me a grace to care for our aging parents.  I know He has.   But it's not easy and at times I resent it.  I want my life back.   And I forgot.   I forgot to look for the Hallelujah.

So, starting today I'm going to try harder to walk in that grace and if I have to.....I will write my own Hallelujah.



Sidenote:
When I started writing in my blog again my hope was that it would be helpful to others, yet still lighthearted and fun.   Yet, every time I sit down to start writing an entry, most with the intention of being fun and lighthearted, they get shut down....pushed to the side and I struggle to find the words that seemed all to clear to me before I opened my laptop to write.   Instead out comes words from a completely different direction.   So, it is what it is and I will just go where the keyboard takes me.

The importance of Flexibility

Dictionary.com defines flexibility as:

     1) capable of being bent, without breaking; easily bent. ie a flexible ruler
     2) susceptible of modification of adaption. ie a flexible schedule
     3) willing or disposed to yield; pliable : ie a a flexible personality

Back when I lived in Colorado our pastor always used that word when talking about going on a mission trip to a foreign country.  Our mission trips always had us staying in people's homes, which meant some meals would be home-cooked meals.  Our hosts were always generous and always went out of their way to provide for us.  But every once in awhile you might get something that you weren't expecting like flavored lard or blood sausage.  Our mission trips always had a tentative schedule, but through past experiences knew that it was always subject to change.  So our pastor always made sure that "flexible" was a staple word used and understood and because of that our trips were always an adventure filled with lots of fun and wonderful experiences that we wouldn't have had if weren't flexible.

Flexibility is also a wonderful word for a caregiver to have and to know and all three of those definitions can be applied to caregiving.   Because if you aren't flexible as a caregiver, life is only that much harder and you'll only make yourself miserable.  It's not easy, especially when you are thrown into that position due to circumstances and not as a career choice.

But as a caregiver I've learned that it's also important to be flexible as the person that is being taken care of.  If you, as the caregivee( I think I made up a new word ), the person being taken care of, can learn to be flexible life just might be a little bit more enjoyable.  You have to realize that it's not only your life that has been turned upside down.  Now, when you are dealing with someone suffering from Dementia or Alzheimers, this is a much more difficult choice to make.  Which is why you have to learn to be flexible early on, so that when memories fade, your personality won't.

So I glean what I can from these experiences, learning to be more flexible.   Life is one big mission trip and I want to enjoy all that it has for me, including the flavored lard and blood sausage that may come my way. 

Apparently, I'm a little stressed.

When you are a full-time caregiver for a family member it's important to remember to take care of yourself....mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.   If you don't, you may find yourself in a worse position then the one the person you are caring for is in.  You have to learn to accept the help when it is offered and not worry about what someone might think.  You should NEVER have to do it alone and shouldn't. 

Which brings me to today's post.  I went to the doctor today because I've had sore jaw for almost two weeks.  I've never had it hurt for this long before, maybe a day or two but that is it.  This time it has been lingering, almost excruciating at times, shooting pain in to my ear.  I thought for sure I had some sort of ear infection.  I finally got tired of fighting it, so I made the appointment..........no infection.  After a brief exam and some questions, the doctor recommended I see a dentist.  So I popped over to my dentist to see when I could get an appointment, only they got me right in instead.(Score!!)  She was polite, asked me questions, and listened to what was going on and informed me I have TMJ....which is the fancy letters to mean pain in the jaw. LOL

The part I'm leaving out is the question both the doctor and dentist asked me......Are you under a lot of stress?   Who me???  Why, I have no idea whatever they could mean.  Having your in-laws move in with you?? Stressful.  Being the primary caregiver for your mother-in-law?? Stressful.  Working while taking care of your mother-in-law?? Stressful.  So, yeah I guess you could say I might be under some stress.  Enough stress apparently, I must be clenching and/or grinding my teeth in my sleep.

Sidenote: The doctor did get a little more prodding in her questions because not only did my jaw hurt, but apparently my blood pressure was a little elevated......okay, more than a little.  I didn't think about it at first, but one of her questions was if I ever experienced chest pains.  YIKES!!  Now, disclaimer....the high blood pressure is not strictly from the caregiving, I could definitely eat better and lose some weight, but it is a factor that doesn't help.

This is why I say it's important to take care of yourself, to take some time FOR yourself.  I am fortunate that I have a great support system at home.  My husband and youngest son (19) are a big help, so I'm not truly alone in this journey.  BUT, I do still have to make sure I pay attention and take the time away when I need it and that is something that is still a work in progress, a lot of work apparently.

As the caregiver, you think you are the only one that can do the job and do it correctly and that is a mindset I, myself, need to change.  It's like the wife that rearranges the dishwasher after the kids or husband load it.  It's okay if things aren't done the way you do them.  Sure there are certain things that need to be done in caregiving, but that doesn't mean your way is the only way to do them.  All that does is add more stress to an already stressful situation, and it's an unnecessary stress to add.

So, I'm going to take the muscle relaxer the dentist prescribed and get better at taking care of myself and taking time for myself....because I deserve it.