1) My in-laws moved in with us in July/August of 2017.
2) My Mother-in-law is diabetic and hasn't taken good care of herself, which is one of the reasons they moved in with us. My husband helps alot, but I am the main caretaker for my mother-in- law, and she is not an easy woman to get along with.
3) We have a tri-level house. Mother-in-law has the whole lower level to herself since she can't do stairs.
4) Our youngest son still lives with us. I love him dearly, but he tries my patience to no end. He's 20, yet seems more like a teenager in many ways. He does help with the grandparents and around the house, although not as much as he thinks he does. To him we can do nothing right in either situation. Again, I LOVE him dearly, he just needs to grow up some more.... but then, don't all our kids?
5) My husband is a Pastor, while also holding down another job which he is retiring from this year.
6) I don't like confrontation because when I get angry I cry. Most of the time I am a fairly upbeat, positive person that tries to make others feel better when I can.
I think that should be enough details to get everyone caught up.
My Mother-in-law is not an easy woman to live with. Most people when they first meet her tell us what a lovely woman she is. Which when you first meet her is true. Taking care of her is a whole different story. I will spare most details. Due to her physical condition, and to some extent her mental condition, from years on mismanaging the Diabetes, she doesn't move very fast. It does no good being in a hurry. To give an idea, a typical bathroom run can take anywhere from 30 minutes on a good day to up to an hour or more. We have to do that a minimum of 3 times a day, but usually 4.
She also has a martyrs complex, nothing is her fault and she can do nothing right. Because she has memory problems we have to remind her of things every now and then. On days when she does remember, she gets defensive and tells us she's not stupid or how she can't do anything right and she is always wrong. Now I realize it is a memory thing, but that doesn't make it any easier when venom is being spewed from your parents mouth directed at you. You know not to take it personally or argue, but most days you can't help yourself.
Because of the Diabetes she is also always cold....ALWAYS! We bought a space heater for the room down there and keep all the doors closed to keep as much heat in there as possible. Most days it is 85 in that area, which is usually about a 10 degree difference from the rest of the house. And when tensions are already high, the heat just doesn't help.
All that to say that there is just a completely different atmosphere down there then in the rest of the house, completely different! It's depressing. It's angry. It's helpless. It's hopeless. It takes a toll on even the happiest person (me) after awhile.
The rest of the house used to be an escape, but lately that was starting to change. Our youngest has been growing weary of the dichotomy in the lower level and the fact that my father-in-law has a tendency to repeat himself..... alot! LOL Again, I won't go into details other than to say this was not his burden to carry, but for some reason he feels that he has to, no matter what we try.
Our youngest son went to Minnesota for 2 weeks to visit some friends. I'm pretty sure it was a trial run for a future move, which at first terrified me, but after having time to get used to the idea, thought it would probably do him good. He got back on Friday night.....late. You know how kids come back after the grandparents watch them for awhile and you have to basically start from scratch in raising them again? Well, it felt like that. I hadn't realized in the 2 weeks he was gone how much less drama there had been in the rest of the house, until he returned. I would have thought the time away would at least refresh him and help him to start steps toward living his life. At least to be refreshed and come back with some sort of better attitude, but it seems he is still in the same space he was in when he left. He had a great time when he was gone and I'm glad he did and he wants to go back in the Spring or Summer when there is some green color. I just don't know if he's realized he'll need a job if wants to be able to do that. In fact he'll need a job period. I guess time will tell to see if things have changed, but for the first 2 days of him being back, it sure doesn't seem like it. *sigh*
My husband left for Cancun for a work trip early Saturday morning....in fact it was about 6 hrs after picking up our son from the airport. He drove himself because he knew that Saturday is my one day to sleep in, if even for only a little bit. If I had to I would have driven him, but I'm glad I got to sleep in. So I am on my own until Wednesday night when he gets back.
Which brings us to the reason for this post. Today, I had my first ever panic attack and no I'm not exaggerating. It was the scariest feeling in my life. The attack itself didn't last long, but the after-effects are still going on even 12 hrs later. The lower level seemed warmer than usual and I'm not sure I ever got a chance to cool off enough before having to go back down there so we could all get loaded up in the car for church. Combine that with the stress of having to get everybody ready to leave for church on time along with the fact that I sing on the worship team which means we all have to be there early, topped with not communicating my needs to my son so he could be a better help. Instead I just expected it.....wrong on my part, but at the time I wasn't thinking clearly and I was frustrated and fighting back tears.
Suddenly, without warning I couldn't breathe, I couldn't catch my breath. I had to stop and concentrate until I could breathe again. It was probably only a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity when it was happening. Seeing as my mother-in-law is not a fast mover, I was able to breathe before she finished getting out the door. But the feelings left behind have not been that easy to shrug off. In fact I spent most of the morning in tears and shaking. Needless to say I couldn't sing, but everyone was very understanding. I couldn't even speak for the first hour and when I did for the first time it was strained and choppy, like when a toddler tries to speak while sobbing.
Even typing this makes me cry. I left for a couple of hours after coming home from church, to try and get back into control, into some good head space or something. I thought I did, until I turned onto my street and started sobbing again. So I decided to put it all down in black and white, like a cleansing of the soul. I don't know if it will work, but that, along with a lot of talking with God, and I know that this too shall pass.
So, for now, I take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and get ready to head back downstairs for the last bathroom break of the evening. Knowing that in just a few more hours, this day will be over and that tomorrow is a new day to try again and to do a better job of letting things "slide off my back". Another day to try and let love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control reign supreme. Another day to let go and let God.
Before I end this I would like to add that I'm not looking for advice or words of wisdom, just a kind ear and a prayer or two or three or....... Also, please don't tell me about the jewels in my crown that I am earning. That doesn't help. It's like telling a person with depression to cheer up. I'm just looking to survive and not lose myself in the process.
