I don't get mad easily. I also don't like to get mad, because when I do, I lose it, and by lose it I mean I start to shake and cry. I don't yell or scream, I never have, but I cry. Nothing says angry like a red, puffy face streaming with tears. So I try to avoid confrontation at all cost, or at least after a certain point. Usually that point is when I feel like I am not being heard or listened to, basically feeling like I'm just being disregarded.
I'm usually pretty good at avoiding those type of situations in a public setting. Mostly because I don't like causing a scene and having attention focused on me. It's easier to just let the other person believe what they want, especially when I know I am not going to change their mind. For the most part, the things we get angry over are really not that important anyways and I've been good at trying to look at things from the other person's perspective.....most of the time.
But when I feel like they don't even want to hear what I have to say, or care to hear what I am saying, or just feel like I'm being ignored or forgotten, AND if I am not careful and not paying attention, it will begin to build until I can't stop it.
Yesterday was one of those days. Thankfully, I kept it together until I got to my car. The details really aren't important because after writing it all down, it just seemed silly on my part for getting so worked up, but long story short, I didn't get a special price on some things at the grocery store, the cashier wasn't being helpful and I was getting worked up over $3. Yes, you read that correctly....$3(but in hindsight, it was a 10% savings on the total bill.....just sayin'). When all was said and done, I got my $3 from the customer service desk and learned something new. Something that someone with any customer service bone in their body would have been able to explain to me politely in the first place. (okay, maybe I'm not quite over it like I thought, LOL)
I had three attitude options:
1) Get upset at the cashier
2) Get upset at myself
3) Be happy I got my $3, learned something new, and got on with my life
So, what did I choose? If you guessed #1 you would be correct. Of course, just as bad would have been to beat myself up for not knowing something in the first place. Neither one of those are the right attitude to have, but usually they are the easiest ones to go to, at least for me.....especially #2. And usually, though I may choose #1 or 2, I can talk myself back down to a #3 sooner rather than later. It is a rare incident when I can't.
But, there I was driving home working myself up even more, lamenting the fact that someone wasn't very nice or helpful. It wasn't until I got about halfway home, sitting at a 4-way stop sign by myself, and had let out a blood curdling scream of rage that I realized I had lost it. Truly lost it. It scared me. I have only ever really lost it that bad one other time and I almost broke my hand hitting a wall. That was almost 30 years ago and I vowed I would never let it get that bad again. I don't like feeling that way and really there is NO EXCUSE for such behavior. Sure a scream every now and then can be a release, but this wasn't that kind of scream, it was a sound I didn't recognize and that was why it scared me. I realized that if I wasn't careful I was at a tipping point, and not a good one. I stopped my attitude from continuing in the direction it was going, said a quick prayer or two or twenty. I changed the conversation I had been having with myself. I went from a position of pride and indignation, to one of humility and repentance. Slowly, I began to calm down and regain my composure, but it wasn't until I had gotten home, explained to the husband why I had been crying, and had some time pass until I was truly at peace again.
I started this entry last night after getting home from the store and having dinner. It actually started out a lot different, complete with photographic evidence. It originally went into painful detail of the experience, but as I continued to write, read what I wrote, write some more, reread, and so on, it morphed into something else. Sure I could have spent this whole post complaining and whining, but what purpose would it serve, how does that help the greater good? I don't need anyone to tell me I was right or wrong, or that the cashier was either. And in the long run, it wouldn't make me feel any better, I dare say it would probably make me feel worse.
So, all that to say what? I'm really not sure, but I know I needed to write this for a reason. I can do better, be better. WE can do better, WE can be better. And we must.
Life isn't always going to be easy and is often filled with opportunities that we miss, just because we aren't paying attention. So, I don't know about you, but I'm going to try to have my eyes open a little bit wider, pay a little better attention, try to be a better person, and to do a better job. I want to be an encouragement for others and when I'm back at the store again and that cashier's line is the one available I won't avoid it, but go through it with a smile on my face.
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