Life goes on, so let's make it count.

 It's been a little over two years since I wrote anything in this blog, let alone opened it and looked at it.  I don't know why I did today, but I did.  I no longer do the review sites, or "get paid to" sites that I plugged on this blog, albeit not very well, so I decided to get rid of those posts.   Honestly, I'm not sure any of the sites are even still there.  So I decided to just bring this blog back to what I wanted......ramblings of whatever is on my mind at the time.  

While "cleaning up" this blog, I went down memory lane as I read some of things I have written over the past 10 years.  (Yes, 10 years!)  I saw how much my life has changed over those years as well, even in the last 2 years since I last posted. 

Both my kids have turned into wonderful adults that I am proud of.  I'm still working at the Chiropractor's office 7 years later, only now I'm the office manager.  The dog has gotten greyer, but then haven't we all?  We've survived a pandemic, although many still struggle(physically, mentally, and financially) because of everything that went along with it.  And I've had the honor of taking care of both sets of parents and helping them on the last leg of their journey through their lives.  In fact, my mother moved back in with us this past April for financial reasons, but we know that this will definitely be her last move.  And while yes, she is my mother and we will drive each other crazy(have I  mentioned she is VERY hard of hearing???) I wouldn't change it for anything.  Like I said, I am honored to be able to have her with us and be a part of her journey on this last leg.  How long that journey will last, I have no idea, but I don't think it will be a short one as she shows no signs of slowing down.

So what do the next 10 years hold?  Who knows, but I can't wait to find out and maybe I will even share some of it with you here.  But no promises.  Life is worth living and experiencing for yourself and that is what I'm going to try and do.   We only get one chance at it, so let's make it count!

It's not about you........

I've struggled thinking about this post, on how to start it, how to express what I want to say without hurting feelings, or offending someone.  But really is that even a reasonable expectation with everything going on.   I can hear the voices saying "Just say it, don't worry about what others think!"   But that is what has gotten us where we are now.....in the middle of a pandemic, our economy on the verge of collapse and no one wanting to listen to (or even consider) the other side.   It's become an "Us vs Them".  Sure it's been that way for awhile, but never more apparent than now.  

Lines have been drawn.  Walls have been built.  Flags have been planted.

It shouldn't be that way.  During this time we should be coming together to help each other.  Instead we have one side yelling "Murderers!!"  and the other side screaming "Freedom!!" and never the two sides will meet.  

Now before I go further I should say, I realize, that there are those that do meet in the middle, but unfortunately their voices seem to be in the minority.  Squeaky wheel gets the oil and all that, you know.   Those squeaky wheels have brought me great sadness, a sadness that at times can be overwhelming.  My heart hurts.

Now is the time we should be coming together, instead we are only more inwardly focused then ever before.  We have to be able to see past our own nose.  We have to or our our republic, our life, as we know it will never be the same.  We have to be able to see the other side, whether we agree with it or not.  We have to listen.

With that being said......here goes!

On one side you have the people who are fearful, genuinely terrified.  They may have a pre-existing condition that would make them highly susceptible to the corona-virus.  They may have a family member who is.  They may just want to play it on the safe side because they are afraid they will die if they get it.  All they hear is gloom and doom.  Fear is a strong emotion, and one that is not easy to overcome.   So what if wearing a mask is required??  Are they hard to breathe through???  Yes.  But, if you are making just one person more comfortable isn't it worth it??  For this specific pandemic, a mask is not for your protection.  It's for someone else's.  It's not about you.  It doesn't trample on your rights.  There is no need to fight, or shoot, someone over this.....that is just foolishness.  It saddens me when I hear those stories.

Notice, I used the word REQUIRED, but again I say, think about the other side for just a moment.   

On the other side you have those who wondered why we were shutting down the whole world, when we've never done it before in modern times for any other pandemic.  Those who may never have believed in it.  Those who have followed the stay-at-home orders, and those who haven't, and are ready to get back to work, to get this economy going again only to see the goalposts moved again.   They are dealing with their own fear.  Their gloom and doom is a depression even worse then the Great Depression itself, we are already close to the unemployment rate that was back then.  Our country won't survive.  We already see the shortages of items.  That will only get worse the longer this goes on.  It's not about you.   We need to get our country back to work.   Instead of hoping that those who want to open up the economy get the virus and die, why don't you hope that they can get back to work and live? Why don't you hope that we are past the worst of it?  It saddens me when I see people say those things.

Why does it have to be one or the other?!  Why can't it be both?  Why does it have to be all or nothing.  What happened to compromise.   America is the greatest nation on the planet....sorry people from elsewhere.    We are better than how we have been.  Stop letting talking heads (political and medical) determine our fate, your fate.

Businesses need to open AND people need to feel safe.  We can have both.

As we go through this pandemic, we must remember we are all going through it TOGETHER, but we are not all in the same place.  It's not about you, it's about preferring others before yourself.  It's about taking a breath, and thinking about the other person.   You don't have to agree with them, but you should listen and try to understand.  It's about caring for your fellow man, not just the one's that agree with you.

2020 has been quite the year and we are nearly half of the way through it.  My only hope is that the last half will be better then the first.

Don't miss the opportunities

I don't get mad easily.  I also don't like to get mad, because when I do, I lose it, and by lose it I mean I start to shake and cry. I don't yell or scream, I never have, but I cry.  Nothing says angry like a red, puffy face streaming with tears.  So I try to avoid confrontation at all cost, or at least after a certain point.  Usually that point is when I feel like I am not being heard or listened to, basically feeling like I'm just being disregarded.

I'm usually pretty good at avoiding those type of situations in a public setting.  Mostly because I don't like causing a scene and having attention focused on me.  It's easier to just let the other person believe what they want, especially when I know I am not going to change their mind.  For the most part, the things we get angry over are really not that important anyways and I've been good at trying to look at things from the other person's perspective.....most of the time.

But when I feel like they don't even want to hear what I have to say, or care to hear what I am saying, or just feel like I'm being ignored or forgotten, AND if I am not careful and not paying attention, it will begin to build until I can't stop it.

Yesterday was one of those days.  Thankfully, I kept it together until I got to my car.  The details really aren't important because after writing it all down, it just seemed silly on my part for getting so worked up, but long story short, I didn't get a special price on some things at the grocery store, the cashier wasn't being helpful and I was getting worked up over $3.  Yes, you read that correctly....$3(but in hindsight, it was a 10% savings on the total bill.....just sayin').  When all was said and done, I got my $3 from the customer service desk and learned something new.  Something that someone with any customer service bone in their body would have been able to explain to me politely in the first place. (okay, maybe I'm not quite over it like I thought, LOL)

I had three attitude options:
           1) Get upset at the cashier
           2) Get upset at myself
           3) Be happy I got my $3, learned something new, and got on with my life

So, what did I choose?  If you guessed #1 you would be correct. Of course, just as bad would have been to beat myself up for not knowing something in the first place.  Neither one of those are the right attitude to have, but usually they are the easiest ones to go to, at least for me.....especially #2.   And usually, though I may choose #1 or 2, I can talk myself back down to a #3 sooner rather than later.  It is a rare incident when I can't.

But, there I was driving home working myself up even more, lamenting the fact that someone wasn't very nice or helpful.  It wasn't until I got about halfway home, sitting at a 4-way stop sign by myself, and had let out a blood curdling scream of rage that I realized I had lost it.  Truly lost it.   It scared me.   I have only ever really lost it that bad one other time and I almost broke my hand hitting a wall.  That was almost 30 years ago and I vowed I would never let it get that bad again.  I don't like feeling that way and really there is NO EXCUSE for such behavior.   Sure a scream every now and then can be a release, but this wasn't that kind of scream, it was a sound I didn't recognize and that was why it scared me. I realized that if I wasn't careful I was at a tipping point, and not a good one.  I stopped my attitude from continuing in the direction it was going, said a quick prayer or two or twenty.  I changed the conversation I had been having with myself.  I went from a position of pride and indignation, to one of humility and repentance.  Slowly, I began to calm down and regain my composure, but it wasn't until I had gotten home, explained to the husband why I had been crying, and had some time pass until I was truly at peace again.

I started this entry last night after getting home from the store and having dinner.  It actually started out a lot different, complete with photographic evidence.  It originally went into painful detail of the experience, but as I continued to write, read what I wrote, write some more, reread, and so on, it morphed into something else.  Sure I could have spent this whole post complaining and whining, but what purpose would it serve, how does that help the greater good?  I don't need anyone to tell me I was right or wrong, or that the cashier was either.   And in the long run, it wouldn't make me feel any better, I dare say it would probably make me feel worse.

So, all that to say what?  I'm really not sure, but I know I needed to write this for a reason.  I can do better, be better.   WE can do better, WE can be better.  And we must.

Life isn't always going to be easy and is often filled with opportunities that we miss, just because we aren't paying attention.  So, I don't know about you, but I'm going to try to have my eyes open a little bit wider, pay a little better attention, try to be a better person, and to do a better job.  I want to be an encouragement for others and when I'm back at the store again and that cashier's line is the one available I won't avoid it, but go through it with a smile on my face.

A New Chapter, Pt 3

The previous two posts were about the passing of my in-laws, who we had been taking care of for the last 2 1/2 years, which brings me to the real purpose of this blog writing.

What Next??

It's been a little over 8 months since my father-in-law passed and just over a week for my mother-in-law's passing.  We've slowly been going through all the stuff that needs to get gone through, sorting out that which is a keeper, a toss, or a donation.  Even with what little they brought, or so we thought, there is still a lot to go through.  We still have two memorials to plan for my mother-n-law.  One here in Arizona, and another in Colorado.

But I digress, that's not the reason for this post.

You see, my husband and I celebrated our 24th anniversary back in November, so we are well on our way to the 25th.  I came into this marriage with a 3 year old son from a previous marriage, we dated when my son was 2.  So since the first day of our relationship we've always had to think about someone else whenever we wanted to do anything.  There has never been a time when we could just leave on a whim, or stay out all day(and night) without having some sort of plan or arrangement.

This realization hit me the other day when we were out running some errands together.  I realized we didn't need to check in or check on anybody, we could do whatever we wanted.....within reason, I do still have a job. LOL   And I said as much to my husband and I even said as much on Facebook.  Of course the friends with grown kids compared it "empty nest", but I really don't think that is the same.  Sure it is to some degree, but it goes even deeper than that. 

As kids grow up they become more independent(usually) and begin to spend less time at home and more time away, so there is to some degree a weaning period, a gradualness to it.  With this, there was no gradual.  One day it was like being chained up with no freedom and then suddenly the chain was gone, not broken.....but gone.

It's an odd feeling and one I'm still getting used to.  It's also one I am going to try and enjoy while I can because we are never promised tomorrow and we don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I should also say at this point that our youngest(now 21) does still live at home and has impeccable timing.  You see, just as I got done telling my husband about my realization, we both got a text from him.....asking where we were and if it involved dinner!  Kids!!!  They always know how to keep us grounded.

So, here's to a new chapter.  I'm excited to see what there is in store for me, my husband, and our family.

A New Chapter, Pt 2

In the previous post I talked about the passing of my father-in-law.   We always knew he was going to pass, and probably not long after coming to live with us in 2017.  BUT.....and it's a big one, we always thought, and most everyone that knew our family thought, that my mother-in-law would be the one to pass first.  She had already technically died 2 or 3 times back in Colorado, and on the last one even argued with paramedics about it because she hadn't seen a bright light, therefore there was no way she could have died, even though by all medical terms she had.

I've written other posts about the trials and tribulations of taking care of my mother-in-law, so I won't rehash those, but feel free to go back and read them if you need a refresher, never read them before, or just because you want to.

After the passing of her husband, she grew weary of the daily battles that she had....with memory, day to day tasks, everything.....and she began sleeping more.  And after several months she decided she had had enough and she wanted to go home...to Heaven.  She even got out of bed on her own in the middle of the night, put on her socks and shoes, and decided she was going to leave, just keep walking until Jesus took her home.  The only problem....she couldn't figure out how to open the garage door.   We wouldn't have know any of this except for the fact that her shoes were by her bed in the morning when we went down to get her "ready" for the day and she had her "good" socks on.   It was then my husband and I knew something had to change.  We spoke with her doctor and called Hospice.  Much to my surprise, Hospice deemed her a candidate.  I had always thought that you had to have a doctor say you had 6 mos or less to live, but because of her health issues and her attempted "escape" they saw no problem.

My husband had had a feeling she would "be home" by Christmas and I'll admit there were a couple of times I thought for sure that he was right, two specific times in fact......but the next day she would be alert and it was like nothing had changed.  Christmas, came and went and my mother-in-law seemed better than before and we were resigned to fact that she was in fact going to live forever.

Once again, my husband and I had a trip planned.  This time to Cancun.  He had retired at the end of 2019 so he could be a Pastor full-time and his company had asked him to come to their annual company meeting so they could send him off.  They even said I could come.  It was truly a blessing for us and a much needed vacation.  We hadn't gone on a vacation together since 2010.  Nothing was going to get in the way of this.

We made arrangements for respite care with Hospice for the time we were gone.  They would allow 5 days, we were only going to be gone 4, so it worked out perfectly.  They would pick her up the Sunday before we left and bring her back on Friday, a day after we got back.   It worked out perfectly. 

That Friday before we all left for our prospective destinations, I had a feeling that she was going to pass while we were gone, I just knew she would, but I also knew that we still needed to go.   My husband, being the pragmatic that he is, had already been getting things in place just in case, so that there was no reason to come home early.  Sunday came, and my mother-in-law was picked up.  We went and saw her after she got settled in, and I can look back now and see she truly seemed to be at peace.  Before she left for respite care she kept asking when she was going, when they were going to pick her up, how long she was going to be there.....over and over.  I thought it was because she was scared, or hurt, or angry.   Looking back I can see the deeper meaning in those questions.

We left early Monday morning, looking forward to a couple of days of uninterrupted relaxation.  Once we landed in Cancun, had found our transportation, and were on our way to the hotel the texts started to come in.  The Hospice nurse had sent a message just before we landed that it appeared my mother-in-law was starting the transition.   It was a long 25 minute drive to the hotel while we made phone calls and sent text messages to let immediate family know.  My mother also visited her that same day and said the same thing.  We let our sons know, one of which was in Cancun with us as he works for my husbands old company.  Our youngest was able to visit her, tell her he loved her, and say goodbye.

Just before noon(Arizona time) on Tuesday, January 14th, Bonnie Warembourg breathed her last and peacefully passed into the arms of her Savior, something she had been wanting for awhile.  We were told by the Hospice nurse that it was the most peaceful passing they had ever had.

We finished our vacation.  We had put things in place for just such an occurrence, and there was really nothing more we could do, that couldn't wait a day or two.  The Lord knew we needed that vacation, and looking back so did she.  As a good friend pointed out to us, we think the reason she didn't pass before Christmas.....she didn't want to do it in our house.  So, for all the 20 questions about when she was going and for how long,  I can look back and she was just getting herself prepared.

So, now what.......... (cont)

A New Chapter Pt 1

For the past 2 1/2 years my husband and I have been the full-time caregivers for his parents, with some help from our youngest son, especially in the first year.  May 16th of 2019 my husband's father passed, leaving us only his mother to take care of.  That in of itself would seem like a lightened load, but in reality, the burden didn't change.   My husband's father pretty much took care of himself, only needing help getting to an occasional doctor appointment since the discovery of prostate cancer in December of 2018. 

He had his first seizure sometime around March of 2019,which was something I had never witnessed before.  I still remember that night, as my husband was gone for a meeting.  I never wanted to go through something like again, I wouldn't get my wish.  My father-in-law recovered quickly and was back home in a couple of days, with no diagnosis as to what caused it and life went back to normal, albeit maybe a little slower for my husband's father.  He had always been a resilient man, a tough cookie.  Until recently, never sick a day in his life and except for the new pills for the prostate, on no medication.  Which for an 86 year old man is pretty unheard of!!

My father-in-law had his second seizure on the afternoon of Wednesday, May 15th. Thankfully we were all home, but it wouldn't have mattered.  My husband followed him to the hospital while I stayed home with my mother-in-law and our son.  This time he wasn't waking up, so I loaded up the group and we headed to the hospital to say our goodbyes.  I still choke up just thinking about it.  He was a great man with a big heart and we miss him still, but have only happy thoughts and memories.(That was until I sat down to write this and relived that day again.)

My husband and I were supposed to go on a group trip to Israel.  We would have left May 14th and not been back for over 10 days.  After the first seizure I didn't have peace about going on that trip.  We would have put my husband's mom in some place of care as she had special needs that our son wouldn't be able to handle by himself, but had planned nothing for his father because again, he was pretty much taking care of himself.  I told my husband that we needed to cancel our trip and forfeit our deposit......$300/ea.  He wasn't so sure, but after some discussion he trusted my instinct and the trip was off.  Which turned out to be divine intervention.

If it weren't for God's intervention(and I do believe He spoke to me back in March about this), we would have just landed in Israel when that seizure hit and would have been on a plane when he passed.  Our son, who was 20 at that time, would have been alone when it all happened and while he would have dialed 911 just like we did, he would have been lost after that.  Sure there are people(my mother, our son and daughter-in-law) that he could have called, but none of them would have been able to help him right then.  And that is not something I wanted to happen and whether my husband wanted to admit it or not(but he did, LOL) he didn't want to be that far away if something did happen to his father and neither did I.

So on the morning of Thursday, May 16th Carl Warembourg, at the age of 87, passed peacefully in his sleep and went home to be with Jesus.

And then there was 1.............(cont.)

Try not to lose yourself

First some backstory, to get some of you caught up:

1) My in-laws moved in with us in July/August of 2017.

2) My Mother-in-law is diabetic and hasn't taken good care of herself, which is one of the reasons            they moved in with us.  My husband helps alot, but I am the main caretaker for my mother-in-            law,  and she is not an easy woman to get along with.

3) We have a tri-level house.  Mother-in-law has the whole lower level to herself since she can't do            stairs.  

4) Our youngest son still lives with us.  I love him dearly, but he tries my patience to no end.  He's          20,  yet seems more like a teenager in many ways.  He does help with the grandparents and around      the house, although not as much as he thinks he does.   To him we can do nothing right in either           situation.  Again, I LOVE him dearly, he just needs to grow up some more.... but then, don't all           our kids?

5) My husband is a Pastor, while also holding down another job which he is retiring from this year.

6) I don't like confrontation because when I get angry I cry.  Most of the time I am a fairly upbeat,          positive person that tries to make others feel better when I can.

I think that should be enough details to get everyone caught up.   

My Mother-in-law is not an easy woman to live with.   Most people when they first meet her tell us what a lovely woman she is.  Which when you first meet her is true.  Taking care of her is a whole different story.  I will spare most details.   Due to her physical condition, and to some extent her mental condition, from years on mismanaging the Diabetes, she doesn't move very fast.   It does no good being in a hurry.  To give an idea, a typical bathroom run can take anywhere from 30 minutes on a good day to up to an hour or more.  We have to do that a minimum of 3 times a day, but usually 4.

She also has a martyrs complex, nothing is her fault and she can do nothing right.  Because she has memory problems we have to remind her of things every now and then.  On days when she does remember, she gets defensive and tells us she's not stupid or how she can't do anything right and she is always wrong.   Now I realize it is a memory thing, but that doesn't make it any easier when venom is being spewed from your parents mouth directed at you.  You know not to take it personally or argue, but most days you can't help yourself.  

Because of the Diabetes she is also always cold....ALWAYS!  We bought a space heater for the room down there and keep all the doors closed to keep as much heat in there as possible.  Most days it is 85 in that area, which is usually about a 10 degree difference from the rest of the house.   And when tensions are already high, the heat just doesn't help.

All that to say that there is just a completely different atmosphere down there then in the rest of the house, completely different!  It's depressing.  It's angry.   It's helpless.  It's hopeless.   It takes a toll on even the happiest person (me) after awhile.

The rest of the house used to be an escape, but lately that was starting to change.  Our youngest has been growing weary of the dichotomy in the lower level and the fact that my father-in-law has a tendency to repeat himself..... alot! LOL  Again, I won't go into details other than to say this was not his burden to carry, but for some reason he feels that he has to, no matter what we try. 

Our youngest son went to Minnesota for 2 weeks to visit some friends.  I'm pretty sure it was a trial run for a future move, which at first terrified me, but after having time to get used to the idea, thought it would probably do him good.  He got back on Friday night.....late.    You know how kids come back after the grandparents watch them for awhile and you have to basically start from scratch in raising them again?  Well, it felt like that.   I hadn't realized in the 2 weeks he was gone how much less drama there had been in the rest of the house, until he returned.   I would have thought the time away would at least refresh him and help him to start steps toward living his life.  At least to be refreshed and come back with some sort of better attitude, but it seems he is still in the same space he was in when he left.  He had a great time when he was gone and I'm glad he did and he wants to go back in the Spring or Summer when there is some green color.  I just don't know if he's realized he'll need a job if wants to be able to do that.  In fact he'll need a job period.  I guess time will tell to see if things have changed, but for the first 2 days of him being back, it sure doesn't seem like it.  *sigh*

My husband left for Cancun for a work trip early Saturday morning....in fact it was about 6 hrs after picking up our son from the airport.  He drove himself because he knew that Saturday is my one day to sleep in, if even for only a little bit.  If I had to I would have driven him, but I'm glad I got to sleep in.  So I am on my own until Wednesday night when he gets back.

Which brings us to the reason for this post.  Today, I had my first ever panic attack and no I'm not exaggerating.  It was the scariest feeling in my life.  The attack itself didn't last long, but the after-effects are still going on even 12 hrs later.   The lower level seemed warmer than usual and I'm not sure I ever got a chance to cool off enough before having to go back down there so we could all get loaded up in the car for church.  Combine that with the stress of having to get everybody ready to leave for church on time along with the fact that I sing on the worship team which means we all have to be there early, topped with not communicating my needs to my son so he could be a better help.  Instead I just expected it.....wrong on my part, but at the time I wasn't thinking clearly and I was frustrated and fighting back tears.

Suddenly, without warning I couldn't breathe, I couldn't catch my breath.  I had to stop and concentrate until I could breathe again.  It was probably only a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity when it was happening.  Seeing as my mother-in-law is not a fast mover, I was able to breathe before she finished getting out the door.  But the feelings left behind have not been that easy to shrug off.  In fact I spent most of the morning in tears and shaking.  Needless to say I couldn't sing, but everyone was very understanding.   I couldn't even speak for the first hour and when I did for the first time it was strained and choppy, like when a toddler tries to speak while sobbing.

Even typing this makes me cry.  I left for a couple of hours after coming home from church, to try and get back into control, into some good head space or something.  I thought I did, until I turned onto my street and started sobbing again.  So I decided to put it all down in black and white, like a cleansing of the soul.  I don't know if it will work,  but that, along with a lot of talking with God, and I know that this too shall pass.

So, for now, I take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and get ready to head back downstairs for the last bathroom break of the evening.   Knowing that in just a few more hours, this day will be over and that tomorrow is a new day to try again and to do a better job of letting things "slide off my back".  Another day to try and let love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control reign supreme.  Another day to let go and let God.

Before I end this I would like to add that I'm not looking for advice or words of wisdom, just a kind ear and a prayer or two or three or.......  Also, please don't tell me about the jewels in my crown that I am earning.  That doesn't help.  It's like telling a person with depression to cheer up.  I'm just looking to survive and not lose myself in the process.